This blog entry is dedicated
This blog entry is dedicated to a friend who asked me: “Hey Budi, I still don’t know who you like.” I find it much easier to express myself on a blog on this issue, so here goes…
Well, to be honest with you, neither do I. As in I dunno if I actually *like* that person. I mean, ok, so I’ve never liked anyone before. Not because I was a gay or something, but it’s just that none of other ppl in my life ever had generated any special feelings in me. And when I came to know *that* person, I realised that I *may* like her. But the only problem is that I’m not even sure about this myself. I mean, if I were to do like her, then why all the weird and rather negatively reactions from myself?
I mean, I sometimes find it hard to even talk to her. In this case, it’s something like one side of me wants to talk to her, while the other wants me to avoid her. And then during V-Day… ok, i could have just given a simple happy v-day greeting, let alone asking her out. i failed. not even a single happy v-day came out of my mouth, just because of the existence of my ‘other side’…
Ok, put it this way. I normally am having difficulties in expressing myself to others, especially to Indonesians. Yea, this may seem weird, but somehow I just find myself easier to express myself in English. :-/ And so far it seems that she’s the only one who can understand me most of the time, when others just simply went ‘Huh?’ and didn’t bother to decipher what I just rambled. And anyway last year, I think, she was one of those few who actually notice that “Hey, there’s someone called Hendri Budi in this world”.
So now I’m kinda confused… Do I actually like her? Somehow it’s just very difficult to truly understand myself.
Another possibility is that I’ve been screwing up stuff for the past few months, which may be the reason why all my reactions came about. Ok, so it’s because I’m scared I’ll screw up my relations with my friends. But again, why is it only towards her? I mean, she didn’t even do anything wrong, not even mentioning anything about this issue, good or bad. What about my relationships with other people, with my other friends? It seems to me they’re not affected. :-/
But hey, if you really want to know *who* the person is… I still don’t know whether it’s safe to share with others, considering what I’ve typed above. Right now there are only 4 people who know this, myself, herself, and 2 other good friends of mine…
Sigh. I hate myself.
Oh, I’m still kinda struggling to be able to express myself clearly, so if the above (again) doesn’t make sense to you, please pardon me. After all, I’m still suffering from massive brain burn after F Maths and Computing papers today. I haven’t been able to sleep yet since then. Oh shit! I have Physics S Screening test tomorrow! Better catch some sleep now…
Blog typed offline at: 12:46 AM 25/02/2003