A Better Title

Three hundred and fifty seven days ago, the year 2007 came and in a flurry, it is about to leave. It is a year of many changes for me, so much so that I’m still in shock at the changes brought upon me.

I must say that the first half a year was the most wonderful semester I’ve ever had in NTU. I had my Industrial Attachment, and I was attached to Autodesk. Although I had to wake up early everyday and stay in the office till late, it was really a great experience.

I enjoyed every single bit of it. I met wonderful people. I was exposed to the working of an MNC. I even got the chance to meet one of the vice chairpersons of the global company. I was involved in many of the company activities that I just felt like I was being part of the family there.

The saddest day of my working life was my last day in the company. As I cleared my desk and my computer, I felt as if I was being torn away from what I had just grown to love.

And then the new academic year started. From then on things have gone downhill.

Gone is the Hendri who used to think that he could do anything and everything. In place is a whining, grumbling Hendri who keeps on making mistakes after mistakes. And the thing is that I don’t even know why.

Perhaps it’s the 6 months away from studying. Perhaps it’s the realization that 95% of what I am learning right now in this university will never be used once I start working. Perhaps it’s the fact that what I’m studying for my core modules in the final year is totally different–some have totally different formats, some not as challenging–from those those I took in the first three years.

Whatever it is, I have lost so much interest in studies that I’m starting to feel like I’m suffering. I’m starting to feel as if I’m not good enough for whatever project I’m doing. This feeling and many other feelings have caused me to make major mistakes in most of my projects in this semester, so much so that one of the supervisors remarked that I have no EQ (Emotional Quotient), while another remarking that I have a weakness in my project management.

I know I have to buck up in order to get the project over and done with, in order for me to at least graduate, regardless of honours, but I have no more strength to do so and I don’t even know why.

Tomorrow marks a milestone in my personal life as well. It is the second anniversary of the relationship between Nicole and I. It would also be the first anniversary that I’m actually in Singapore to celebrate it. Last year I was away in Indonesia, as I had just returned from bringing my mum on a tour to Melbourne (actually, it was my brother who brought us around there) and Singapore.

In the span of two years, we have gone through a lot of things, and I have to say that both of us have changed so much from who we were when we started. Some changes are beneficial to the relationship. Others are harmful.

It’s amazing how time flies. When we first met, she was still in the first year, and I was in the second year. Right now, she will be going through Industrial Attachment next semester, and I will be in my final semester. I still remembered that the first time I met her sister, it was close to her O Levels, and now her sister has just finished her A Levels.

It’s no mean feat that we still managed to endure through the many trials throughout the two years. It’s a totally memorable two years that I have, and there is no doubt that in the future when I think back to my university life, these memories would be the ones that come up first. She has brought colours to my life, she has shown me how to love, she has taught me how to live. She has showed me how life is more complicated than it seems in my perfect world. She taught me how to laugh and to cry. She has changed my life, from the moment we met.

And at the same time, I have also realised that in those two years I have committed the same mistake that most people do when they are in a relationship. They tend to neglect their other friends. I too have fallen for that mistake, and I’m now admittedly finding it hard to regain the same friendship that I used to have with all my other friends. I’ve tried speaking to some, but it’s hard to find common grounds to talk about. To all my friends, if you read this: I’m truly sorry. I would really like to reestablish that friendship again, the same bonds that we used to have last time. I wish that I would be forgiven for my mistakes.

In two days, it would be Christmas again, and in a week, it would be the end of the year. I’m still reeling at the speed of which the year has passed, and no doubt the next years it would be just as fast, or maybe even faster, as I start working and earning money for myself and those I love. It’s time to repay the debts that I have.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole France