Offline blog: 4:58 AM 19/05/2003
Offline blog: 4:58 AM 19/05/2003
I wonder what’s into me lately. Maybe i’m losing my mind…
My sleeping pattern is definitely a haywire, especially the past few days. Just take a look at this:
1. Sunday, 11 May - Wednesday, 14 May: 2 AM - 7 AM each.
2. Wednesday, 14 May, 11.30 PM - Thursday, 15 May, 1 PM
3. Friday, 15 May, 5.30 AM - 6.30 AM
4. Saturday, 16 May, 2 AM - 11.30 AM
5. Sunday, 17 May, 2 AM - 9.45 AM
6. Sunday, 17 May, 2 PM - 7 PM
In case you’re wondering, I just listed the times that I’ve been sleeping this week. Of course, this doesn’t include those times where I just lost consciousness for a little while, eg. in school during lectures. And considering that now is already 4.10 AM, that means I’m going to get less than 3 hours of sleep today… Hmmm, wonder how I can sustain till the term exams are over….
Anyway, weird things are happening to me the past few days, especially on friday.
First was, again, photog society not being able to submit the works to us, after delaying the umpteenth time. so i guess photography is out from this issue of spectra. and that bloody vice pres happily asked me on the way whether i could speak malay, as there was a malay competition the following day. and then he asked me if i could be there to take photos. but after that he explained that he didn’t need me, he just needed my camera. bloody *****…. if he thought he could kick me out of photog, he was wrong. i quit.
and then met my teacher-in-charge to talk about the video for spectra. then while talking halfway, kt (my fm teacher) walked up the staircase (we were at the ceremonial staircase then). the problem: i was supposed to be at another place doing maths olympiad training. and he was supposed to be in-charge of that. dang. then he kinda scolded me very nicely, and said that he would give me more work… dang….
after that met another friend who did the video, and wanted to tell him that the teacher found the video terrific. why is it that everyone seems to be having the same problem? and yeah, i found him there with the same problems as mine…. the girls one, to be precise. but couldn’t say anything though as i felt i also haven’t gone through that time yet…. the only difference is that he tried, but was rejected. or sort of, according to what i understood. and i backed out. didn’t even try.
but a-nee-waaaay….. while talking he was saying something like if you like someone, it will seem that whatever she says means something to you, although she didn’t mean anything special at all. maybe it was true. the following day the certain she messaged me in the morning, asking me if i could buy her acs i badges, and whether i would be coming for the choir concert. and i just knew that she’s just being friendly, but then….
oh here i go again… talking about the certain she again…. maybe a few years down the road i’ll take a look at my old entries of my blog, and i will kinda reminded of these times.
but the only thing about her doing that is that my own attitude that has been very bastardly makes me not deserve that kind of friendliness… i mean, look at this: someone is ignoring/avoiding/trying not to talk to/watever you, for the reason that he himself doesn’t know, let alone yourself. would you one day go and ask him for help? ok, maybe if you’re really desperate for help. but i’m sure she has a few other (ex-) acs i friends? and asking that person whether he’s going for your concert? and saying that it’s great when he replied that he’s going? would you? i mean, i already thought that there was no chance of me recovering any friendship when the previous days i stumbled to her at the lift lobby, pretending not to see her until she was right in front of me, and calling her name, only to get no reply… which almost made me cry in the night, by the way… not cry because of what she did, but cry because of my own disabilities. and that left me having emotional instability for the next few days… or maybe it’s just another aspect of the other species that i, as a member of the species of the male, won’t truly understand? i don’t know…
or maybe it’s another work of god? i thought i’ve lost my faith, what with all those things and problems i’ve been having. is it just a way of him to show me that he could do things that i never thought? or it could also be that it’s neither of these, and i’m just over-reacting. questions are still there, to be asked…
so, today i’ll be there. watching choir concert. and i hope nothing will go wrong. and that i will have the strength to carry on from now onwards. 