A Better Title

i thought physics paper 3 was bad enough. paper 2 is worse! can’t even complete the paper.. missed out parts here and there, and wrote total bullshit for data analysis. wrote bullshit for definition questions too. don’t even know if i can pass. ok, i may be able to pass, but i really don’t know if i can score or not. how wonderful. all in all, this is the worst paper i’ve ever done, the second worst being physics paper for term exams 2 this year.

and whoever jokes with me after this will suffer the consequences!

“Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.”
- The Architect, The Matrix: Reloaded

to a friend who put up some message on his blog on August 25, 2003, 2:24 PM: it’s ok i guess. it’s your own blog, so you have the right to put that up. but only my request is not to disclose any names. and not to touch the topic with anyone else too.

wonderful. so now there’s finally a person who both knows who the person is and at the same time reads my blog regularly. whee…

no no. i’m not trying to say that i shouldn’t tell you, or that i should tell you, or what. it just feels… i dunno. it’s like, the anxiety of someone knowing this is mixed with the relief that i have less to hide.

but then again, one side of me just still have a feeling that we will never be the same again. never. ever. so, just to maintain as friends, i would need a lot of luck. i guess. let alone hoping something more would happen.

and the bad thing is this nagging feeling from the other side of me. you guess yourself what it is.

sigh… so much for a guy who just wants everyone as friends, and not brood any enemies. or at least a guy who wants noone to think of himself badly. um, ok, except for some exceptional instances.

heh… sorry but there are a lot of conflicting thoughts in my brain. like i can think of an impossibility of something to happen, but at the same time i can also think of the hope that such thing can and does or did happen. well, as the architect said: “Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.”

well…….

oh anyway, just received a good news from the teacher-in-charge of my cca. all five of us nominated for the outstanding service awards will be receiving the awards! yay! and considering that there are only about 10 jc2s from the whole club, spectra is probably the club with the highest ratio of outstanding service awardees to jc2 members ratio! of course, unless if, for example, people like those from golf club (which only has 2 members anyway) got in too.

oh well, time to mug for computing paper today…

Woo-hoo! one more down. 5 more papers to go! namely: physics papers 1, 2 and 5, maths paper 2, and f maths paper 2! whee!

have i mentioned about my roommate? apparently he’s posted to the wrong hall, so he’s moved to another hall now. so now i’m all alone again! in my partition at least. you see, my room is a 6-bedded room, with the room being partitioned into 3. the funny thing is that there are only a total of 4 people in the room, leaving 2 beds empty. so maybe that’s why the guy moved in to the room.

just for the records: someone said good luck to me today. whoa! first time it happens.

too bad it didn’t really work. had some difficulty doing the questions, especially the first question. i mean, who wouldn’t, considering that the first question alone consisted of 2 parts, one line each, each worth 10 and 15 marks! which effectively is a quarter of the whole paper! but anyway, crapped my way through though.

haiz i’m feeling a bit tired. i’ve been very extra the past 2 days by going to school early for assembly, although my papers only started at like, 12 or 2 pm… and the worst thing is that i haven’t been able to sleep properly too, probably because i’m somewhat falling sick. coughing very badly the past few days. and probably it’s because of my being distracted during the weekends, as i posted earlier.

hmmh.. okay… time to go…

another set of hodgepodge of thinking in progress, almost ready to be regurgitated.

first would be that it’s the first time i saw a fish (two fish, in fact) that can last for so long (throughout the weekends) without being fed. yep, that’s my roommate’s, whoever he is. met him in the morning, and asked him about it, and he only replied that it was ok.

second would be prelims. getting quite worried about it, esp with the supposedly thoughest paper left today: physics paper 3.

third would be myself. a new thing that i happened to learn while talking to my friend yesterday. that it’s perfectly normal for me to still have those kind of feelings. something that i would say is logically impossible.

fourth would be my past. i just wished that all those never happened. that i’ve never fallen into the dark realms of stress. really. and all that i say would only end up with ‘if only’s and ‘what if’s.

fifth would be my own attitude towards that someone. i still can’t believe that one day i can just walk up to her and talk just about anything, and the following day i would be feeling that fear. the same fear that i’ve been having earlier.

sixth would be the interpretation of that fear. a friend told me that that fear only meant that i do still have some feelings towards her. but it is just so impossible. as far as i know, i believe that this kind of feeling must grow slowly, as it probably did at first.

seventh would be my own blog. i don’t mind sharing my blog with anyone i know. but i’m still quite scared that strangers would do a random search and find out about this blog.

eighth would be my thinking. my thinking has been fragmented lately, with all sort of thoughts being mixed into a ‘rojak’ of brain chemicals.

ninth would be my lack of ability to manage my money. i realise that as the day goes, i become more and more complacent towards managing my money well. great…. and the bigges problem is that it’s not my money…

and finally, tenth would be my losing my memory. i’ve been having a couple of memory lapses the past few days, though the frequency has decreased. it’s a wonder that all those unimportant things like what i said to this person or that particular person can stick in my mind, but i can’t even recall what the laws of thermodynamics are.

actually there are a few more, but i can’t seem to recall them off hand now. just like my tenth point would have pointed out. maybe i’ll post them some other time.

i’ll be removing the link to this blog from the main http://hendri.ninerz.com page soon. so if you’re still interested, you’d better bookmark this blog, or (even better) memorise it. anyway, the address of this blog is http://hendri.ninerz.com/diary. don’t say you haven’t been warned…

i’ve been pretty much distracted the past few days, all the way wasting my time…

wasn’t i the one who said i have to get out of this state?
wasn’t i the one who told myself i just one everyone to be happy with what and who they are?
wasn’t i the one who said “God, just take away my happiness. as long as everyone else are happy with it.”
wasn’t i the one who promised to myself i don’t want to think about the past?
wasn’t i the one who declared that i don’t want any kind of problems with my friends, espeially in terms of friendship and relationships?
wasn’t i the one who told myself to study so hard and forget about everything?
wasn’t i the one who said “anything will do, as long as she’s happy”?
wasn’t i the one who always prayed “God, just give whatever is best to my friends, family, and Spectra”?
wasn’t i the one who promised that i will let God shape my life?
wasn’t i the one who was willing to let go off my life and let God take control?
wasn’t i the one who said to myself i would concentrate on prelims and not let anything shake me off?
wasn’t i the one who would do anything for my friends, as long as it’s feasible?
wasn’t i the one who promised that i would care about any of my friends as much as, if not more than, i do myself and my family?
wasn’t i the one who said that i would be willing to sacrifice myself for my friends?

everything is just bullshit. bullshit. i can’t believe that i just can’t do most of those…

ps: lessons learnt today: i shouldn’t stand up so suddenly after i’ve sat down for quite some time, especially in church, otherwise i might feel giddy and just embarass myself. and also: i shouldn’t eat crab sandwich with 9 cereals bread at delifrance if i don’t want to make a big mess and in the end embarass myself.

*expletive* my netscape just crashed just now. anyway, here’s more or less what i typed just now…

fair enough.

i admit that i’m quite scared of being rejected. not only on relationships, but practically about anything. even things like asking someone out for a movie, or submitting my work. i know it’s not like i’m gonna die if it happens–or if it does happen–but then the feeling of being rejected is just there. it’s like the feeling of disappointment is there. i feel like asking some people out tomorrow to mug, but then i’m kinda scared of being rejected.

by the way, do you know that singapore is ranked one of the top nations which has the most number of bloggers? if i’m not mistaken, the first is us. and singapore is somewhere up there.

oh well, time to go…

sometimes you just do things that you wished you don’t do.

things like… doing a random search on the net, and reading other people’s blogs. no akn, it’s not yours. sometimes it’s the ability to read what others think about that hurts you the most. cos sometimes what they are thinking are meant to be for themselves.

and probably the rarest thing that ever happens is that they are thinking something that directly or indirectly concerns yourself. and probably the worst thing is finding something about you, and finally realising a new fact that, well, hurts you.

but maybe such is life… maybe someone else is thinking about you at this very moment. maybe they are thinking badly about you. maybe they are thinking about someone you care about. maybe they are thinking badly about someone you care about.

but who says life is fair anyway?

btw, akn. you may or may not realise this, but millions of thank to you for at least not letting me succumb to the same weekends syndrome that i had yesterday. i just badly needed someone to talk to. thanks. erm, sory if i didn’t make sense or whatever.

oh, i’ve got a new roommate. haven’t seen him yet, since he’s a singaporean and i suppose he’s back at home for the weekends. but i’ve seen his stuff already in the room, and probably one of the first things that i thought was: shit… an aquarium in the room.

bugger…

hmmm… today i’m supposed to feel very lucky, despite me being able to sleep only at 3 in the morning, not a very good idea, especially it was just before f maths paper…

but anyway…

first in the morning my friend wanted to borrow my calculator since he lost his. i only have two calculators: a normal one and a graphical one. then i told him that i only have two calculators, and at first he said that “since [i] have a graphic calculator, then don’t need to use the normal one, right?”. right… but luckily he managed to get a calculator for himself. then when the paper started, i was told that my graphical calculator was not allowed in the exams. if i had lent my calculator to him, i would be left with no calculator! then after the shock that i can’t use my graphical calculator (i’m very used to using graphical calculator to help me do my fm), i was relieved to realise that the graphic calculator was of little use, if any at all! how lucky i was!

then in the afternoon, as i had really nothing to do, i decided to go to the bukit merah national library. once there, i proceeded to get a book to borrow, which happens to come with a cd. and then, lo and behold, guess what i found in my wallet! no library card! darn! anyway, so then i walked around, and sort of decided to read the book there instead. so i was looking for a seat, and there was this table occupied by someone in st. andrew’s jc t shirt, the opposite of which was unoccupied. so i approached the guy, and guess who it was… it was a friend whom i haven’t talked to for probably months! whoa… then we sort of talked for a while, and then he suggested me to try using my ez-link card instead to borrow the book. and although it didn’t work on the borrowing machine, i could go to the information counter and borrow the book together with the cd! if not because of the friend, i would probably be back at home with nothing!

whoa… how lucky i am today!

but if so, then why do i still feel this anxiety about something? something which i really don’t know. just like my usual weekends syndrome… sigh…

what? no more password?

yeap! that’s right! no more password protection! decided to lift it off finally. just as a precaution, i added the noindex and nofollow rules to the robots meta tag, so search engines shouldn’t index my blog. i’d wish i could just bury my past, just to put everything into my archives, never to be touched again. but of course, it may not be successful, and at times, i just know i might lapse into that state again, in which case you would know what to enter in the prompt that pops out.

today’s paper was the worst of all the prelim papers. no prize for guessing that it’s f maths. in fact, who wouldn’t know, except for non-acjc readers? i’m hoping to pass though, and i promised to myself to do well in paper 2 next next week.

oh, by the way, i didn’t know that my graphic calculator was not allowed in f maths. in case you’re wondering, the model is casio fx-9700 ge. i wonder why, considering that i remembered that it used to be allowed. but i can’t remember, though, when they allowed that particular model. but i know i saw it in the list somewhere. but anyway, yeah, so i did fm paper without graphic calculator. not a big deal though, since graphic calculators are not of much help in the paper. but i’m somewhat worried for the a levels, in case they ask some funny question.

ah… dunno what to do for today… maybe i’ll go sim lim and probably library to get my hands on some php book. then maybe i’ll start programming a little bit. maybe. sounds fun. hmmm, hope i won’t get too absorbed in scripting and forget all about my studies!

ps: the crystal mouse thing doesn’t work!! it says it needs some human interface driver thing. does anybody want? i’ll sell it for $20…

whee… just finished maths paper. lol, hopefully can get a.
exams has been quite ok so far. in fact, the physics prac yesterday was refreshing, with a new concept of practical being used. for the benefit of you who are not from ac, we were doing an experiment on the period of rotation of a rubber stopper which you’re supposed to swirl above your head, keeping the same distance between the rubber stopper and the plastic tube, which you can use as a holder. it’s sooo different from the usual pendulum or magnetism questions.

my laptop is back! yay! no more bad sectors, though the noisy hard disk problem is still there. it seems that the noise is actually normal for such a hard disk. haiz… anyway, i’ll finish installing everything today.