A Better Title

MMS Blog: 22:21:40 26/0703

10 PM, outside ‘the place’.

ok, maybe not exactly right outside the place, but rather one bus stop away… Decided to walk a little more than was needed to reconsolidate my mind. Ok, in other words, i just walked past the place.

now i seriously don’t know how in the world i can do this… Only now that i realise that i don’t have that much courage to do what i wanted to do a while ago.. It’s like as if my effort to go to this place just goes down the drain, without me even trying. But i can see that the gates of the place have been closed. It’s like a metaphor, you see, like as if i’m just not meant to do this… Even though i know that i can’t enter the place myself, it’s the one whom i’m seeing who has to exit in order for what i want to do to happen. But the same rules apply. With the gates closed, the one can’t go out, and practically that’s the end of the question…

ugh, i’m very disappointed with myself again. This is another simple thing, and i just can’t do it too….

MMS Blog: 21:15:39 26/07/03

9.05 PM, leaving King Albert’s Park’s McDonalds.

ok, so this takes much faster than i’ve expected… Just went to KAP to go to the pitstop. That’s toilet in human’s term. And to get myself something to drink too. I’m starting to have doubts on whether i should be doing this… And there goes my decision-making again…

btw, i just saw a few people walking around with the singapore amazing race t shirts. Wonder if any of them is your brother, et… =) i thought there will be cameraman and stuff, but apparently there was none just now. Otherwise you might just see me when i was typing on my handphone just now… Lol… =p

MMS Blog: 20:41:03 26/07/03

8.30 PM, somewhere along Clementi Road.

half an hour and i’m still walking… I think i know where i’m heading, but i won’t tell as yet, lest i change my mind… I can see hardly anybody walking, most must be taking cars or public vehicles. I wonder what would they say of this guy in spectra t shirt, long pants, and slippers walking on the pavement while typing something on his handphone…

the street in front of me is somewhat dark, not what i’m quite used to. It’s in fact quite scary, i tell you. But i have to go on. I’ve promised that to myself just now. And after all, the worst thing that can happen to me is being killed by some gangster… At least that would be someone else hurting me, not myself hurting myself. Hmmm, but anyway, better touch the wood…

MMS Blog: 19:53:17 26/07/03

7 PM, ACJC bleachers.

attempted to eat something from dover market after my previous post, but couldn’t. Was too consumed by my thoughts. Ended up ranting to my friend. Who couldn’t really give too much an advice.

then decided to take a random walk from dover market. Felt a little thirsty. Ended up in school. Found a few people still studying here.

just moved over from bleachers to void deck. Come to think of it, most people would probably be mugging their way for prelims by now. Look at me… Just continuously eaten up by my thoughts. Still no mood to even start. And my studies is seriously deteriorating. While my classmates are improving from last year, my grades are getting worse and worse. And if this go on, i might as well don’t take a levels. But the problem is that i can’t. That’s stated in my contract with the moe…

The friend i ate dinner with said that if i keep on losing everything, then it’s good, because i don’t have anything else to lose. True, but the thing is that i don’t want to stay here brooding. I have to go on. But the thing is that once i try to start doing anything at all, i will screw up that thing in the end. So what in the world should i do?

maybe i AM such a loser. It’s just that i don’t realise it until now. Great.

the sky is getting darker now…

by the way, if there is someone up there watching me, why is it that i still can’t see nor understand what is wanted of me? I believe that He doesn’t want hatred to brood, but with all these, i will end up hating lots of people. I used to–or i used to believe–that i base my friendship with everyone on love and care for others. Even for people who, so to say, not very likable by other people. I used to think there must be something good behind those people. But now, i think i have to change that point of view…

Seriously, what’s so good about me anyway? I’m so selfish now. I don’t really care about other people that much anymore. I definitely don’t have the looks. I’m far from humourous. And if i do make a joke, that would be those childish, crappy jokes. I no longer think that i have that many friends. I don’t have that much money to buy stuff that i want. I might be a little above average in my academics, but those are nothing without the interest in the subjects. I may have an experience in relatively wide range of stuff, but i don’t excel in any. I can do photography, but i can’t take exceptionally good pictures. I can do graphics design, but i can’t get the basic idea of what to do to start at the first place. I can do programming, but my algorithm design sucks. I can do web scripting, but they’re far from efficient. And plus i can’t even think too deeply nowadays. Don’t try and compare me with people from poorer countries or poor ppl. I’m here and they’re there, so it’s different case.

I’m finally out of school. Was the last person to leave the void deck. In fact, i think the last to leave school, unless someone is studying somewhere else or having cca. I’ve decided (it’s a wonder that i can decide on something now) to do some more random walking. I really don’t know where i’m going. I’ll just walk wherever my legs are taking me to. Hopefully i won’t screw anything up and i’ll come home safely this time.

i guess there goes another of my weekend… No studying, just wasting my time thinking.

see, i did it again…

wonderful. i just accidentally deleted the wrong files from michael’s thumb drive. so now all his files are gone. mine are of course with me as i’ve copied them to my computer earlier. the rate at which i’m screwing up is quite disturbing, i tell you…

great. wonderful. magnificent.

i just found out that we can actually go and watch the choir syf finals yesterday. sigh… i’m just very, very disappointed. and i heard that ac sang much better than we did during the concert. but then again…. it’s my fault too not to ask anyone about it earlier. bah… but on a side note, ac emerged as the overall champion.

been pretty much emotionless the past few days too. like everything is just the same, with the same euphoric state, with sometimes only a little tinge of extra happiness, disappointment, or anything else. i wonder when will i finally lose all my feelings… or, to be optimistic, when will i finally be back to normal. if all these go on, i don’t think i’ll be too surprised if one day i go to a doctor and be pronounced to be having lung cancer or something. it’s great, to take a look at it from another point of view. at least i won’t be too much more depressed by those new stuff. cool.

by the way, AS (i hope you know who you are)… i’m not very jealous when you said that. i hope you know what i’m talking about. ok, maybe a little bit. as i said: i lost most of my feelings this week. but anyway, i’m not very jealous, but i’m more of disappointed with myself. why, you should know. i hope.

hmm, seriously, my decision-making is seriously impaired. even simple stuff like sending an sms. i mean, i couldn’t decide on what reply i should send when i heard that ac won the choir syf yesterday. so in the end i spent like 15 mins and settled with a ‘you beat the green jc! congrats!’ kind of thing. sigh….

just heard from a friend at rj that two girls attempted to commit suicide. one succeeded and the other was hospitalised. it’s quite scary, i tell you. don’t worry, i’m currently in this stage where i’m quite scared to hurt myself even more, so i don’t really bother about thinking of how to commit suicide the most efficient way. but sometimes i’m just scared that one day it would be me. but if i do, that means i would have failed to keep my promise long, long time ago to die naturally.

asean senior’s night is just around the corner. next sat night, to be precise. still can’t decide if i should go or not. (see, my decision-making again) i mean, if i go, i might end up screwing up, and in the end i will just hurt myself again, like what i’ve been doing so far. really confused… would someone give me a suggestion?

sigh… i’m getting crazy. i can’t even take care of myself. i just wish that i can finally get hold of my life again. but i can’t. for now at least. very disappointed… sigh…

great. wonderful. magnificent.

i must have lost my mind again…

stayed up till like 2 or 3 am past few nights to do some stuff with my new linux. yep, i just purchased linux from some comp0any in singapore. crazy… they’re using cd-rs, but yet they charged $8 for copying and shipping… but anyway, linux is not so bad, looks cool. but quite frustrating for me, because i attempted to install the distribution that i bought. the distro is supposed to be run from cd, by the way… mine is called knoppix, in case you’re asking. in fact, i just downloaded several programs for linux. will try them out at home later.

lol… this guy messaged me a few days ago to thank me for being such a good friend, but what i did was just wishing him well as he was sick… funny guy…

been in a state of euphoria in school the past few days. but in the nights, all those crazy thoughts are just coming back to haunt me, when i just feel very angry with myself. by the way, the “stress and time management” talk they gave us during pc/cg on wed was just plain stressful, because i have most of the symptoms they pointed out. scary… maybe i should call imh and arrange an appointment or smth…

but anyway, went to see my aunt who came to singapore in the afternoon, and just got this serial to usb converter, meant to be used with the cable that’s supposed to link my phone to my comp. to my dismay, it didn’t work. probably because xp doesn’t support the cable natively.

oh by the way, linux calls anything that have to do with microsoft or windows as “redmond”. so in the colour themes that you can choose, they have stuff like “Redmond”, “Redmond 95″, “Redmond 2000″, and “Redmond XP”. As for the description, they say that it’s a “theme from the north-western usa”. lol… by the way, in case you don’t know, microsoft is located at redmond… i think.

gosh… think i’ve lost my ability to think deeply. i notice that i can no longer do deep thinking, as in those that require concentration. or for maths, those problems that require more than a few steps to solve. if i can, then it would almost exhaust me. must be because of what happened this year… great. and prelims is just around the corner… haiz…

i must have lost my mind again…

MMS Blog: 00:54:59 21/07/03

00.45 AM, on my bed.

ugh, i just hate my roommates if they start making fun of my friends. I mean, they’re making fun of something that those people can’t change. I mean, i’ve enough of things that bother me… Ok, so they’re imperfect, but so? are the two of them perfect? And sometimes it’s just hard for me to stand up for my friends, lest they think i have something between me and my friends. On a sidenote, i wonder what people think when i make fun of zay… But i do that because of what he did first… But hmmm…. Not very nice actually. Will try to stop doing it to him.

talked to another friend about my spiritual life. And added someone else to the list of people who are my ranting targets about my problems… Wonder how many people will be involved in my problems by the end of the year… Haiz…

MMS Blog: 19:36:55 20/07/03

19.30, ACS (I) tracks

In the midst of my thinking, i discovered the true, perverse nature of friendship. Through some inexplicable way of thinking, i realise that it’s those people whom i care much about who are the ones who take me for granted. They are the ones who take me as just one of those people out there in the universe.

And through another discovery, i found out that those people whom i’m not really close with are the ones who more than qualify to become my confidant…

take for example some people who have confided in me the last time. When it’s my turn to need to talk to someone, their replies were just simple ‘no’ or at best a more valid ‘got stuff to do’. And it’s partly my fault too that once the chance comes, it’s just not one of those times when i feel like talking about my problems.

and to the contrary, those people whom i’m not very close with are the ones whom i can, and have, bump into and actually listen to me.

And this is ultimately sickening, because all these boil down to the question on whether i have any real friends. On one hand, those that i’m very close with, whom as far as i know i’ve thought to be my best friends, are the ones who i can’t just talk to. And those that i really can talk to are the ones who i know i’m not close with.

and combining all there conditions and situations into one yields only one result, one that i’ve so far misunderstand, and one that i’ve dreaded since long, long time ago: i don’t have any true friends.

oh, by the way, going to church is like nothing if you don’t have the faith, right? it’s like going for a lecture and just sitting down there doing your own stuff…

by the way, i think i burnt my palate. ate too quickly yesterday. darn.

aaargh.. no…. don’t remind me of yesterday….. cos my no-longer-so-trustworthy memory will start that chain reaction all over again! damn….