maybe she was right…
“all ac guys cannot make it.”
- she, 2002
and maybe i shouldn’t have interjected…
“SOME ac guys.”
- me, 1 second later
and maybe she shouldn’t have agreed too…
“oh yeah…”
- she, the following second
Offline blog: 10:24 PM 28/06/2003
sitting here alone on a saturday evening at the acs i grand stand. laptop in hands. trying to connect to any wireless lan networks, which reportedly is already available in acs i boarding, but which is obviously just a rumour, looking at what i’m finding on my laptop screen… sigh…
feeling like a total loser. even things as simple as playing gta 3 doesn’t help. it just keeps on crashing every after at most 1 hour. and the problem is that i can’t save any games, as i copied it from my friend, who has a pirated copy of the game. looks like it has something to do with the patch theat the game is currently running on. looks like the patch is just not the correct version.
oh, well…
oh by the way, in the worst case of mismatched biological clock i ever experienced yesterday, i woke up at 4.30 pm, had my breakfast at 5 pm, lunch at 9 pm, and dinner at 4 am, before retiring to sleep at 6 am. getting more and more crazy as the days go by. am trying hard to adjust my biological clock back to normal. but then i still haven’t finished my homework, which means i won’t be able to sleep properly tonight. and probably tomorrow too. shucks…
great, they just switched off all the swimming pool lights, which means i’m typing this in total darkness. not bad, at least i can try out my touch typing skill. that’s the name that you use for the skill to type without loooking at your keyboard, by the way.
shucks, my legs are getting tired… been crossing it since i started sitting here, which is, like, about 20 minutes ago. listening to my songs through the laptop speakers. hope nobody’s disturbed by what i am doing now.
well, nothing much has happened throughout the holiday. most mentionable would be the maths extra lecture, in which i played prank on zay by playing the file i mentioned in my blog much earlier in the lecture theatre. and then when mrs. kan was back, she was, like, asking whether anyone used the computer while she was away. and then we were like, blaming zay for using the computer, while it was actually i who did it. lol… 
walked a lot around the track the past few days, with lots of thinking being done. of course, they didn’t bear that much fruit.
am very scared i can’t finish homework now… but oh well, i shall try as much as i can tonight. hopefully i won’t fall sick or anything…. hopefully… am feeling a bit weird now. hopefully it’s only due to gta…
nothing else worth talking about for now i guess…
bye.
MMS Blog: 5.45 AM 27/06/2003
i still can’t and probably won’t forgive myself for quite some time… This is the third morning running when i just can’t sleep as a lot of voices are running through my head. And today was worse as the voices were there even as i was walking around… Alone…
seriously, i can distract myself for the moment, but i can’t distract myself forever…
i’m very scared…
those who’re reading my blog: a request for you: please stop me if i do anything stupid when school starts…
maybe it’s time for me to give up everything. my studies, my life, my happiness.
and i’m thinking of quitting the school cd project too. so sorry to everyone but i don’t think i can handle a professional work together with personal problems.
i’m very scared.
the voices in my head just didn’t diminish even after a while last night.
that’s before i forced myself.
forced myself to think about nothingness.
i don’t know if it was a dream.
but i could still feel myself lying on my bed.
i could still feel everything that was happening around me.
the turn of the fan above me.
the coolness of air-con in the room
shouldn’t you not feel all these if you’re dreaming?
and then it appeared.
the bluish white blob in the middle of darkness of my closed eyes.
it shone, like a star in the middle of the dark space.
and a voice just told me “look at it. touch it.”
and i did.
it was squishy, like those soft rubber balls.
but i put it back where it was.
back floating in the space.
and pushed my index finger through it.
and it felt like as if it was a portal to another dimension.
my finger just disappeared as it made its way into the ‘thing’.
and then everything was black.
seriously, this is getting very disturbing…
MMS Blog: 3.10 AM 26/06/2003
this is getting very disturbing. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. But everytime i close my eyes, all those thoughts will just rush back into my mind. And i’m very scared i’ll go crazy anytime soon… I don’t think i can stand making myself super tired before going to sleep… Especially not during school terms… Which is starting in, like, a few days time.
i just don’t understand it…
i’m very pissed off with myself…
in fact, i’m starting to hate myself now.
last night i tried out praying again after so long of praying for the sake of doing it…. in fact, after that i couldn’t sleep till like 6.20 am, just thinking of what has happened to my life.
and today, there was a very big chance of me restoring my friendship. and it just slipped away like that…
you see, it was raining very heavily today. and i happened to be walking with 5 of my friends. and we happened to have 6 umbrellas with us in total, for the simple reason that zay wanted to borrow an umbrella for each of us, despite him and mw bringing their own umbrellas. weird, eh? but anyway…
so on the way out, i met her. and guess what? instead of offering her one of our umbrellas (she was with some other friends that time and actually i didn’t mind sharing an umbrella with my other friends), i just asked her “hey, didn’t catch a cab?” i wonder how more stupid can i be? and i only realised this when i walked out of the gate! wtf?!?
seriously, i wanna kill myself, if it doesn’t mean i will be dead after doing so…
so God, i know You know what i’m typing now… thanks for the chance You’ve given me today. i just can’t believe that i let it pass just like that. i’m sorry for that, and please give me another chance. and this time please let me make it good. i seriously don’t understand, God. why all that had happened since the beginning of this year must happen. please give me an enlightenment as to what you want from me. i’m not expecting anything more now. but at least please let me repair our damaged friendship, if it were damaged at the first place. and please get me out of this state when i’m just very unhappy with my life. give me the strength to accept what You give me.
MMS Blog: 21.30 24/06/2003
Feeling very lonely the past few days… Very, very lonely… No matter how many people around me all the time. It just feels like none of them are my good friends. Someone whom i can talk to… Sometimes i just wonder what concept of friendships that i had the last time, such that i never felt lonely even though noone was around me… Strange…
just finished walking for 1.5 rounds the track with my long pants and slippers… People must have thought i’m crazy… Maybe i am…
sigh… Still have lots to do with my homework, which is due tomorrow. Guess i wouldn’t sleep that much again tonight.. Hope it’s ok, considering i’ve already slept quite a lot in the day… I broke my record of waking late, by the way. Woke up at 3.30 this afternoon today…
new file for sa2 people:
go to http://hendri.ninerz.com/diary/sa2/HelloMrAnderson.mp3. Log-in as ’sa2′ with password ’sa2′.
hey, this sucks…
whenever i try to distract myself from my past probs (ie. doing a website, making myself busy, etc.), it only worked for a while… before it hits back again with a greater impact.
sigh…
