A Better Title

just spent the past 2 and a half hours programming the “LeaveMessage” feature to the side. Make good use of it! Leave a message for me!

Woke up at 1.15 today… Ahh, nothing beats a good 12 hours of sleep. That’s a rather good one after a few weeks of mood swings and stuff. but then, as always, i woke up with the heavy rain pouring outside. wanted to go dover market to eat at 1st, but then changed my mind. so i went and eat instant noodles instead. but then it smelled darn funny. so decided to skip lunch altogether. heh, what else can be worse? guess i’m too used to being pissed off anyway… :-/

I think I know how to describe myself. I’m heartbroken and in a state of rejection.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m talking about the relationships between myself and my life. To me, it seems that my life has turned upside down against me this year. Which breaks my heart. I also reject my own soul. It seems that I just can’t accept myself as what and who I am, though I’m struggling hard to overcome that.

Just two days ago something my roommate asked me to do touched that nerve deep within my heart, and I broke into tears, just regretting my own life. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. Trust me, it’s really, really hard if the whole world seems to turn against you. Any more of anything that pisses you off, then you’ll just blow up like a closed can of water, which has been slowly heated to the point of boiling.

Well, let me just share with you my being stuck in the vicious circle of depression, which has led me into those states…

But first, for the benefit of you, let me just put everything in point form.

1. I’m in a state of depression.
2. One or more of the following happen(s):
* My friend does something that pisses me off further.
* I did something wrong to my friend.
* Problems with friendships.
* Craving of a break.
* Change in eating habits.
* Lose of interest in studies.
* Abandoning of my CCA.
* Resorting to blogging to pour my whatever stuff.

Now, let us analyse this case by case.

In the case where my friend does something that pisses me off further:
3. I get pissed off.
4. I become regretful of what my life has drastically changed.
5. Which makes me depressed.
6. Go to step 1.

In the case where I did something wrong to my friend:
3. Due to the depressed state, I did something that is not very favourable to my friend.
4. I feel guilty of that.
5. I keep on thinking what step should I take next: Apologise? How to apologise?
6. Which makes me depressed.
7. Go to step 1.

In the case where there are problems with my friendships:
3. Because of my being depressed, I somewhat changed to certain people, especially those who are not trying to get close to me at the first place. Even to some of those who were closer to me last year…
4. Those friends start to drift away.
5. Which makes me think how that happened and how can I repair the damage.
6. But sometimes to repair the damage I’ll need to be in a not-depressed state.
7. Which makes me not able to repair the damage.
8. Which makes me depressed.
9. Go to step 1.

In the case where I crave for a break:
3. I need a break to let off steam that has built up.
4. But I can’t find a suitable time for a break.
5. Which makes me ponder how busy I am and how little free time I have.
6. Which makes me depressed.
7. Go to step 1.

In the case where I change eating habits:
3. I eat less when I’m depressed.
4. Which makes me hungry at times.
5. Which makes me not able to think about things that well.
6. Which makes me depressed.
7. Go to step 1.

In the case where I lose interest in studying:
3. Because of the depressed state, I’m not in the mood to study.
4. Which makes my mind drift away during lecture and tutorials.
5. Also, I don’t feel like doing homework.
6. After a few weeks, I realise that I don’t know a lot of stuff which was tested during term exams.
7. Also, I find that I have a whole lot of tutorials to do.
8. Which means that I would have a whole lot of workload to do.
9. But I can’t find a free time to do so, because I’m to depressed to start at the first place.
10. And cramming everything just before term exams proved to be futile.
11. So I couldn’t do term exams properly.
12. Which makes me think what score I would get in the end.
13. Which makes me a whole lot more, more depressed.
14. Go to step 1.

In the case where I abandon my CCA:
3. Which is impossible since I’m the president.
4. And the fact that I attempted to do so only leaves even more work to do on my part.
5. Which makes me more depressed.
6. Go to step 1.

In the case where I resort to blogging:
3. I spend quite some time to type out each blog.
4. Which takes up further of my ‘free’ time.
5. Which means that I will have less time to do my work.
6. And the fact that blogging is like talking to someone who would not be able to give you advice directly.
7. Which makes me depressed.
8. Go to step 1.

Suck it. You think it’s funny? Think again. Put yourself in my shoes, and you’ll know what it feels like. Really, the moral of the story: Never ever put yourself into a depression. It’s really like a blackhole. It’s very easy for you to get in, but you have to put a tremendous effort just to get out of it. And sometimes you just can’t get out of it, and at the end of the day, you find yourself crushed in the middle of your own depression.

As soon as you find yourself in the event horizon, pull back. Try not to get too deep inside. It’s really like shit once you get inside. And the deeper you go in, the harder you’ve to go through to get out. I myself have and am experiencing that state. And I must tell you, I’m still struggling to get out of it, to no avail most of the time. What I’ve done is just dragging myself deeper inside. And currently I’m still hoping that I will somehow get myself out of that state, alone or by help, and out into freedom. And I’m just badly hoping that I’m not too depressed that I crush myself inside literally, ie. doing something stupid to myself. Or getting too deep that I just go crazy. Being less than alive is not too big a problem with me, but being alive and crazy at the same time is really the thing I’m most scared of. You get the idea.

Blog typed offline at: 12:14 AM 05/03/2003

I’m very tired. Both physically and mentally. And of life too.

Shall type today’s blog later on tonight, and upload it tomorrow.

I’m typing this out in my room in Hotel Elizabeth. Ok, it’s not exactly *my* room, but rather the room shared by my dad and I. Yup, my dad’s in Singapore now, partly because I’m receiving awards for ACJC and ACS Founder’s Day celebrations (or, as Kelvyna Chan puts it, Founder’s Day thanksgiving service.)

Today was the first time me wearing Number One uniform. In case you don’t know, that’s those uniforms that the student councillors always wear if there are any college events. Yea, the set with blazer, white shirt, tie, cream pants, black socks, and black leather shoes. Cool, huh? Frankly (and literally) speaking, it’s not. It’s actually kinda hot inside. Luckily for all of us, the hall was rather cool enough to counter this. The day didn’t really start very well though as a friend from whom I’m supposed to borrow the blazer from came a little after 7, the time at which I’m supposed to report to the reporting table.

Went out with my dad the whole day today, and showed him a very small part of Singapore. It was rather boring for both of us though, as I was a bit too tired after the week.

Hmm… Guess I’m addicted to blogging now.

Blog typed offline at: 12:54 AM 01/03/2003