A Better Title

Offline blog: 2:52 AM 29/03/2003

Another obstacle course in my life.

Number one: Ninerz.com is still not up yet. Which means that this blog will not be up until the server itself is up. Asked those !@#$% people out there about it, but only got the reply that the server may be under maintenance. But considering that you’re able to read this, I suppose it’s all working already

Number two: School’s closed for another 1.5 weeks due to Sars cases. In case you didn’t know, it’s the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, claiming two lives in Singapore alone. But anyway, school closed means the school term is pushed back by one week. Which means June hols will be eaten up. Which leaves 3 weeks for the June holidays. Oh, and the other half-a-week is not accounted for yet. Which means there will be more topics to be crammed in to our brains. Not to mention the holiday momentum too, which is one of the reasons I didn’t want to go back to my home country

Number three: ‘Quarantine’ of people at the boarding school. We can’t go out unless absolutely necessary. Even shopping has to go through our halltutors, who will make a list of what needs to be bought and subsequently will go and buy the necessary stuff.

Number four: Very limited internet access at the boarding school due to this Sars case. Which means no more reading e-mails at a leisurely pace. And probably no uploading of blogs yet.

No happy things as yet… At least not that I can remember as of now. Except maybe getting my “First Solo Flight” Certificate from Microsoft Flight Simulator 2002 Professional Edition. The game’s highly recommended by me, btw.

Gah! What happened to ninerz.com?!?

I wonder how more stupid can my roommate be… This morning, at 6.30 am, when I was still sleeping (my alarm clock went off earlier but I went back to sleep anyway), the air-con was already off (it was centrally controlled), and the windows in my room were closed. Then he happily woke me up to ask me if he can increase the fan speed as it was getting hot. Stupid…

Oh, forgot to mention about AIME yesterday. It was definitely not good. Only attempted 7 question, one of which was guessed… The rest but one of my answers were different from my friend’s… No good…

Ah, finally uploaded all my offline blogs. There are a total of 4 new entries (excluding this one). Do read if you have the time. Something’s wrong with ninerz.com now though… So in the case that you can read this, that means that the problem is fixed already.

Oh, by the way, I’m considering password-protecting my blog in the future. I’ll give you frequent readers the password if I were to actually set it up. Others will have to contact me to get the password. I do this for privacy reasons… I never know who else will read my blog other than my friends. Who knows, it could even be a total stranger… Shudders…

Offline blog: 11:29 PM 24/3/2003

I’m typing this blog on my brand new laptop. Geez, I still can’t believe that I actually spent that much for this, though this is considerably one of the cheapest laptops around. At least that from a better-known brand. I’m installing Office now, and got kinda bored, so here I am, blogging.

Actually, as usual, I’ve nothing that much to talk about. This is currently my 4th blog pending to be uploaded, because the silly boarding school computer lab wasn’t open. And the silly me forgot to bring the diskette containing all the three blogs today. Rest assured that those are actual blogs that I would have posted immediately if I were to have the internet connection, and not so-called ‘engineered’ blogs — blogs that are purposely edited to sound more dramatic. No editing were done once they were saved.

Still haven’t finished installing… I still think that I have to apologise to her for being soooo unfriendly. But how? I can’t even talk to her currently, for some unknown reason.

Oh, somehow ninerz.com has been down for a few days. So in other words, this blog may not be uploaded immediately too. I’ve gotta go check with the concerned people what’s going on with the website.

Maybe I have a lot to talk about in fact. But it’s just that I’m too deep inside my own probs so those things are not coming up immediately.

Oh, just got my highest-score-ever GP essay today. My essay on Science and Technology got a fair 31/50. Not too bad for me, considering that I always failed my other GP essays.

Ah, finished installing finally. Catcha later!

Offline blog: 4:30 AM 23/03/2003

Went to Australian Educational Fair today. I don’t think it’s that good lah, at least compared to the British Educational Fair last week. One thing is that it’s soooo small. It’s so cramped with people. At least during British Edu Fair you can walk around freely. And also there aren’t really that many universities represented. But anyway, called my brother halfway to ask him which universities should I consider. Halfway through, my phone *grumble* crashed… I dunno why but I really hate my phone whenever it crashes. People will just laugh at me.

But anyway, then went on to ask RMIT, ANU, Uni of Melbourne, and Monash for more information. They are quite friendly and helpful, though the RMIT rep was not so — to my dismay as I’m actually considering it as one of my choices, and since my brother is there. Entry requirements are not so bad, most of them only wants me to get at least something like BCC, then I can get in already. But there was one course that catches my attention. For Singapore, they convert the grades to scores like this: A - 10, B - 8, C - 6, D - 4, E - 2. And one course happily put there that they require 30 points. In other words you need to get 3 As… And the name of the degree you’ll get: Bachelor of Science (Science Scholar Program). LOL…

Then after that went for class outing. Nothing much lah, since I came very late anyway. Didn’t get dunked though, though Chin Fung did. And the funny thing is that he keeped my phone just in case I got dunked by the rest. So in other words my phone was in his pocket when he was dunked. And the other thing is that I didn’t realise that it was my phone until he took it out. Luckily it wasn’t wet or anything. Anyway, ended up lending him change for the day.

On to talk about the March holidays… Nothing much also. Spent most of the days just stoning and expecting stuff to piss me off — which actually happened. Maybe not to that extent… But then boarding school computer lab not opening for the week because the server was down — or so they said — was one. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t updated my blog since 13 March, apart from the fact that I now have something like 80 mails to clear up. And maybe those small stuff like the bus driver not stopping while my friend and I had pressed the stop button way, way earlier. And even my dreams can piss me off as well. Ok, those are small things, but small things added together will give you a big thing.

Ok, that’s it! While typing the last sentence of the paragraph before the computer hung again! Why? why? WHY?!? It’s just not right… My life is just not right… Everything I do will just begin another thing to piss me off…

And you know what? I’m currently typing this in Zie’s room. And there’s this irritating roommate of his that just can’t stop talking. Just like ZAY, in a much thinner form. And he’s in Sec 3. Ok, maybe worse than ZAY lah… Very irritating, I find. I wonder how Zie can actually stand him…

Sigh… Maybe it’s not that I don’t have anything to type about. It’s just that if I were to type out everything, this blog will be very monotonous, with me ranting over and over and over and over again about my life. It’s just stupid. It’s just too stupid. How can I expect that all this would happen? And I’m still wondering how I still survive. How I’m still alive. Or rather how I’m still sane after all those… I almost actually lost my mind a few days ago… A very stupid thing, I would say. And I’m really hoping that it will never, ever happen again…

Offline blog: 1:36 AM 20/03/2003

Sometimes I just hate myself if I start quarrelling with my own self. It’s just like there are two different people within myself. One is the real me at heart, and the other is ‘the other me’, the one who just refuses to do what my heart wants me to do, the one who’s making all those stupid mistakes, the one who keeps on ruining my life. And the other me takes over me most of the time this year. Why do you think is the reason why I got into the state of depression anyway? I hate the feeling of having to go through it all alone by myself. But I did. Ok, maybe not completely by myself. But I still don’t know if I’ll be back to my good, old self or not. Or rather the good, old self that I thought I was.

Right now my other me is still here. And he can come up anytime. But 5 months has passed, and I still can’t believe that he’s still there. I don’t want to live with him anymore. Hell, I don’t even want to live. Who asked me to live at the first place? And who asked me to take up that scholarships? And who asked me to be in this situation? None. I’m just there through some sort of frantic coincidences. Maybe it’s what they call fate.

Hell, maybe I’m just too tired. Just ran 2.4 km today with an unimpressive time of 14 minutes plus.

This blog is getting rubbish-like. Maybe it’s just my mind which is not in a very stable state. I really don’t know. I’m growing up, another year has just passed, and I’m still at a loss now. In fact, I’m more lost than any of my earlier years. And everything is just sooooo *bleep*-ed up… I really don’t know what to do…

Offline blog: 12:27 AM 19/03/2003 - Thanks ET, for telling me that the timestamp looks more suitable on top instead of at the bottom.

I still find it hard to believe that the Hendri that I know now is no longer the same as the Hendri that I used to know last year. Despite all my efforts to still be the same as the corny, fun-loving, and caring Hendri that I used to be - or rather I thought I used to be - I find it now that only the first has greatly amplified, while the last two not so. No good. It’s just no good.

Anyway, today’s supposed to be a special day for me! Wheee!!! Hope the following year would be a better one! And hope that I can change back to my good, old self. I really, really miss my old self. Ok, apart from that someone I said earlier.

Went to Tekong today. Hmmh, luckily they didn’t detain the foreigners, as I said I was scared of in my previous entry. But Anyi sure did funny stuff along the way. Despite him not being a Singaporean, he participated in a quiz and won a portable radio. Also, he asked some stuff which I couldn’t be bothered about. To me, the S-Cube Seminar wasn’t really that relevant. Even my friend in RJ said that foreigners in RJ need not go for the thing.

Heh, today I wasn’t feeling very good when going to Tekong. Probably it was because of the proximity of the SAF Ferry Terminal to Changi Airport (which is instantly translated to ‘home! home! home!’ in my brain). Or maybe it was because of the security procedure that resembles the security check whenever I board an airplane - x-raying of belongings and passing through metal detector, minus the boarding pass and passport checks. Even the ferry looks like a plane if I were to look at it that way. Or maybe it’s because of an Indonesian channel showed in one of the TVs on the way back to Singapore. Oh, finally got a chance to see an airplane taking off up close today; I normally see one only from inside the plane, from the viewing gallery, or in Microsoft Flight Simulator.

Just got my AMC (American Maths Competition) result today. Not bad, I got to the AIME (American Invitational Maths Exams).
Have you ever missed anyone in your life? I bet you have, be it parents, friends, or siblings. I do, too, especially with some of my Indonesian friends, some of who probably have forgotten who I am.

Heh, the computer just hung on me - again! I swear I’m not going to install Win 98 if I were to buy this kind of laptop. Luckily I just saved the file. And guess what, I was thinking that the computer might hung anytime soon just 2 seconds before it did. Talk about sixth sense. Brings shivers down my spine… But anyway, back to the topic:

But what about missing someone who is so close physically to you? I mean, the person is so close that you can even touch that person if you want to. But yet, the person’s so far away… It’s just as if the person is not there at all. The presence is there, but you can’t do anything about it. It’s like the two of you are two human beings who know the existence of each other, and that’s about it. It’s not really that bad, if only the two of you were not friends before. And it’s all because of your own goddamn fault. You just got too carried away by other things that you can’t get back to that person anymore. And there’s nothing you can do to fix it either. And it’s all your goddamn fault as well, because you’re just born with that characteristic unique to you. Have you?

So to that person, who is one of the very few people who managed to make a big, bold mark in my heart: I miss you.

Blog typed offline at: 1:08 AM 13/03/2003

The computer hung on me again! Luckily this time I haven’t typed that much anyway…

The sky was so beautiful last night. It was so clear, letting the moon share its glow and the stars’ dim, twinkling lights to reach the earth. It’s quite hard to believe that it was raining in the day. Today the clouds are back, showering its load slightly.

I guess that’s how life goes too. On one day, you can have all those things that displeases you. But at the end of the day, you’ll reap the sweetness of what comes. Talk about school work, projects, and personal problems. But the next day, those clouds of pain will come back, and it will shower all over again. And in doing so it cleanses us, leaving us with a clearer view of the world.

I’m feeling so much better this week. I’m much more cheerful than before, though I wouldn’t say that I’ve returned to my old self. And I wish that this is not just a passing ‘manic’ season, as an article on ‘Bipolar Disease’ a friend showed me says. And I wish that my life goes more like the graph of “y = - 1 / (x - 17.75)^2″, where x is my age in years and y is my strength in arbitrary unit, rather than some erratic sine function with high angular frequency.

I wish that everything can go as close to what is best for everyone.

I wish that there’s no such thing as personal problems. And I wish there’s no relationship problems stemming from that. And I wish I don’t miss a friend, because the problems actually popped out on me.

I wish I don’t have to stay in the same room as my current roommate - two days ago he woke me up at 11.30 pm, just before I drifted on to deep sleep, just to ask me if he could change the fan to a higher speed for 10 minutes, leaving me not being able to go back to sleep until something like 1 am. Yes, *expletive* you, Zhao Ziqing. And I wish that someone else would be a better choice for me.

I wish that I can do whatever people wants me to do, and whatever I expect myself to do. And I wish that I don’t screw up the things that I actually do.

I wish I don’t have to go to Pulau Tekong tomorrow for S-Cube Seminar in favour of enjoying a normally short day. And I wish that people there won’t mistake foreigners as spies - and probably detain them.

I wish that ‘I wish’ were not the phrase most spoken by people, with the person saying it not being able to do anything about it. I wish the phrase ‘I wish’ never existed. No, I wish regrets never existed.

I wish.

Blog typed offline at: 1:02 AM 12/03/2003

Just came back from church and lunch. Was grumpy the whole morning, till someone notice and said to me: “You didn’t have enough sleep last night.” Which was true… Glad to hear someone asking me that, otherwise I would be grumpy all day. Wheee!!

Anyway, read the New Paper over lunch, and found 2 articles that match my situation perfectly. At first I was having this urge to stop reading, for fear that something bad would come up after reading. But I pushed on. And here I am, feeling a bit better…
Oh well, better go back to my FM tutorials. Still got tutorials 4 to 6 to finish up. And also one Physics tutorial.