A Better Title

I’m somewhat pissed off again today (Hey hey, finally manage to type a blog before midnight! :P).

Firstly I haven’t really recovered from brain burn I’ve suffered from due to the exams. And some more I didn’t have enough sleep the past few nights…. Last night I slept at 1+, the previous night at 1+ as well, and the previous previous night at 4.30 am. And now I’m still typing out this blog.

Then I was like very sleepy throughout the morning. Slept through Mother Tongue (partly also because I didn’t want to see one certain couple just nearby), and half of Maths lecture (luckily didn’t sleep during tutorials though.) So, I only recovered my consciousness at something like 12 pm. Bad, bad start of the day, considering I have Physics S Screening test in the afternoon. Even a greeting from a certain she didn’t meet any good reply from myself.

Luckily after lunch break was the subject all computing students have been waiting for: triple computing lesson. Not too bad, played Pool and some other games until suddenly a message popped out on the screen, stating that it came from a ‘teacher’, with the message “Please shut down your computer now.” Bummer…. Apparently the teachers have installed a software enabling them to take a look at what a student is doing remotely, as in they will be able to see what you on your screen, in their screen. At first I thought I was caught or something, but then I realised that it was already 4.15, and the rest of the class also got the same message, probably meaning that he set the message to be sent at that particular time. Phew…

Physics S Paper screening test didn’t go through very well for me. Actually was supposed to go for a scholars meeting just next door, but then asked for permission to go for the test. The test was somewhat tough, because they give you questions like “By suggesting suitable values and based on physical laws, estimate the time taken for an engineer to rise to the height of a street lamp, given that the electric hoist was run on domestic mains supply” That’s it. No data, nothing. Went “huh?” at first but managed to write some rubbish though.

Oh, yeah, forgot to say that I received my Physics result today. Not so bad, considering that that was rather the only ‘good thing’ that happened to me through the day. At least I have already had one confirmed A.
But anyway, back to Physics S. After going through what seemed to be the most stupid questions in my life, I came out of the lecture theatre, only to be greeted by the certain she at the lift lobby, saying something like (direct translation): “Budi, Budi, I tell you the good news! You’re down for fashion show for the International Friendship Day with [a girl's name]!” Double bummer… Apparently they put my name down during the meeting. After all I haven’t been in a rather good mood the whole day. My immediate reaction was an unexpected “Eh, you sabo-ed me leh…” Dang, now am feeling bad because of that…

Hmmm, but then, the girl I’m supposed to be partnered with already has a boyfriend. And if I happened to accidentally said to her that I was scared that the girl’s boyfriend would beat me up, wouldn’t it seem to her that I was being an opportunist? After all, not that many girls come from my country. Luckily I didn’t… Phew…

Heh, it’s midnight now. So I can safely say I typed this blog over one day.
Anyway, after that I walked back together with Anyi and Chin Fung (they went to the bus stop just outside ACS(I).) under the rather heavy rain. And I entered my room finding that some rainwater had wetted my table as I didn’t close my window. Double-double bummer… Luckily it wasn’t that bad and only a few pages of my notes got wet. The other time rainwater came in and ruined my Physics S Tutorial as I wasn’t using a waterproof pen that time. If only the bookshop auntie had sold the other type of pen that time.

After supper I talked to a friend about stuff that has happened in the year. Hey, at least I found someone who was as lost as me. But then didn’t go on to talk about my problems though for some unknown reason.

And then I just kinda think again on how unlucky I am to be in the same room with a PRC scholar. With someone who rarely flushes the toilet after he uses it in the night. With someone who gels his hair at night so that he can just wake up, change to school u, and straight away leave the room in the morning. With someone who clogged the toilet another time, and saying that it was not his problem, but rather the flushing system’s. (He even asked me to try flushing it as he couldn’t be bothered to try it again… Hey, who in his right mind would want to flush someone else’s waste? But anyway, I *had* to in the following day.) With someone who insists on me to let him fall asleep first for half an hour in the night if I want to do a past-midnight work, leaving me in the dark, literally. (Although so far I insist back by doing my work anyway). With someone who, if not studying, would be found making stupid faces or acts in front of me, even worse than ZAY. With someone whom I can’t really talk to on issues of life. Hey, even though my previous roommate was a rather spoilt guy, at least I could talk to him about life. My current roommate can’t even be bothered about those stuff. Gosh, how I realise now that I really, really need to talk to other people.

Hey, and then come to think of it, maybe that’s why I resort to blogs. I mean, blogging is the only way for me right now to express my thoughts and feelings, since I can’t really rely on my roommate, whom I’ll be spending my time with for most of the whole year. And actually I can’t find a very good reason why you’re reading this blog entry this far, since this seems to be the longest I ever write, (took me around 45 minutes to type). Unless you’re really, really curious about me. And if you do read till this far, I’d really like to know who you are, if you don’t mind. Just send me a message or give me a buzz or let me know in school I just want to know who actually reads my blog, so that at least I know that there’s someone who actually listens to me, and not just pouring my expressions to the void and empty internet.

Oh well, guess that’s all from me tonight. Gotta sleep soon, otherwise I’ll ramble on and on and have to sleep late again.

Hendri logging off…

Blog typed offline at: 12:37 AM 26/02/2003

Heh, continuing from my previous blog…

Just had F Maths and Computing papers today…. Ok, it’s yesterday, actually, since now’s already past midnight. Screwed both paper. F Maths, I skipped the whole question on vector spaces and the first mechanics question. I think I’ll lose something like 30 marks or so… That doesn’t count any careless mistakes that I might have done on questions that I actually did.

Then Computing, I didn’t know the actual correct way to draw the UML (Universal Modelling Language, if I’m not wrong). Will probably lose something like 15++ marks… But anyway, it’s my fault also to sleep during lectures…. :-/ But I heard from a friend that the whole of computing combi actually gave up on the test, as noone studied properly. I myself am not very sure on this. It’s just that I did notice that most people had already left by the 1st 75 minutes of the exams. The whole thing was supposed to last for 90 minutes, btw. That’s the good thing about taking computing. During exams if you think you really can’t continue, you can just leave the room. Unlike other subjects, where you have to actually sit through till the end of the test before you are allowed to leave, even when you really don’t know how to continue. Computing rules!!
After that I decided to be extra and went for Maths lecture, even though school only officially resumes on Tuesday for all computing students. Keith Tan didn’t go through anything, though. Of course, after the Maths lecture I decided to be wise and didn’t go for double PE.
Oh yeah, maybe I should also mention that I had the shock of my life on Sunday. Guess who I saw at the church? Mr. Perrin, my form teacher and GP teacher. I really didn’t know that he is a catholic as well, let alone that he actually goes to the same parish as me. But anyway, he also told me that he normally goes to another parish at Farrer Road.
Oh, speaking about Catholic, ZAY asked me last week why I changed to Methodist, even though I’m a Catholic. As in why I joined in the prayers in the school. Stupid ZAY. I mean, it’s like, we’re worshipping the same God, lor… It’s just the methods that are slightly different. And prayers are almost the same, what? But after that he kept on insisting that there’s a difference between Catholic and Methodist. Dots…

But life still sucks.

Blog typed offline at: 1:04 AM 25/02/2003

This blog entry is dedicated to a friend who asked me: “Hey Budi, I still don’t know who you like.” I find it much easier to express myself on a blog on this issue, so here goes…

Well, to be honest with you, neither do I. As in I dunno if I actually *like* that person. I mean, ok, so I’ve never liked anyone before. Not because I was a gay or something, but it’s just that none of other ppl in my life ever had generated any special feelings in me. And when I came to know *that* person, I realised that I *may* like her. But the only problem is that I’m not even sure about this myself. I mean, if I were to do like her, then why all the weird and rather negatively reactions from myself?

I mean, I sometimes find it hard to even talk to her. In this case, it’s something like one side of me wants to talk to her, while the other wants me to avoid her. And then during V-Day… ok, i could have just given a simple happy v-day greeting, let alone asking her out. i failed. not even a single happy v-day came out of my mouth, just because of the existence of my ‘other side’…

Ok, put it this way. I normally am having difficulties in expressing myself to others, especially to Indonesians. Yea, this may seem weird, but somehow I just find myself easier to express myself in English. :-/ And so far it seems that she’s the only one who can understand me most of the time, when others just simply went ‘Huh?’ and didn’t bother to decipher what I just rambled. And anyway last year, I think, she was one of those few who actually notice that “Hey, there’s someone called Hendri Budi in this world”.

So now I’m kinda confused… Do I actually like her? Somehow it’s just very difficult to truly understand myself.

Another possibility is that I’ve been screwing up stuff for the past few months, which may be the reason why all my reactions came about. Ok, so it’s because I’m scared I’ll screw up my relations with my friends. But again, why is it only towards her? I mean, she didn’t even do anything wrong, not even mentioning anything about this issue, good or bad. What about my relationships with other people, with my other friends? It seems to me they’re not affected. :-/

But hey, if you really want to know *who* the person is… I still don’t know whether it’s safe to share with others, considering what I’ve typed above. Right now there are only 4 people who know this, myself, herself, and 2 other good friends of mine…

Sigh. I hate myself.

Oh, I’m still kinda struggling to be able to express myself clearly, so if the above (again) doesn’t make sense to you, please pardon me. After all, I’m still suffering from massive brain burn after F Maths and Computing papers today. I haven’t been able to sleep yet since then. Oh shit! I have Physics S Screening test tomorrow! Better catch some sleep now…

Blog typed offline at: 12:46 AM 25/02/2003

One thing I notice about life is that people normally notice you more if you’ve done something wrong, if you’ve done something negatively out of the normal. This is kinda weird. It’s those people who are good, so to say, who are forgotten. I don’t know how many of my good friends have already left my trusted brain, but it’s those people who are weird in a way that stays in my mind most of the time.

Am mugging computing now (yea, why else do you think would I be using a computer at 4 am for?). Kinda scared that I can’t finish going through the whole of Computing and F Maths by the time the test starts, which is about 28 hours from now.

Hey, and come to think of it also, I spend much more of my time thinking about issues of life, mostly bad, rather than trying to overcome it. And come to think of it again, that’s kinda a waste of time.

But still, I don’t truly understand myself as yet. I mean, I still find it hard to understand myself. What I really want in the future, what I want to be, etc.

OK, let me admit that at this time I really, really have no idea what I’m going to do after JC. Is it going to university straight away? Which university? Local or overseas? Which course to take? Or is it working? Relief teaching? Designing a game? For how long? And the list goes on and on.

And if what I just poured out on my Windows Notepad above doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry. It makes little sense to me too. It’s almost 4.30 am anyway.

But if it does, good for you.

Oh, heck, life sucks.

Blog typed offline at: 4:25 AM 23/02/2003

Just finished GP Paper today and am staying back to practice Maths in the library. Got bored though, and here I am, blogging. GP was quite tough. Couldn’t really understand the passage and questions. Or maybe it’s just because I was a little bit sleepy. Slept at 12.30+ last night, although attempted to sleep at 11 pm already. *sigh*…

Contrary to what I expected, there seems to be not that many J2s staying back to study today. Unlike Promos last year.

Oh yeah, it has been around 4 months since I abandoned the belief that I could do things I thought I couldn’t. Now I have this new belief that I can’t do things that I may be able to do, until I actually do it. If you don’t get it, don’t bother to try and understand it. =)

Life sucks…

Attempted to talk about my ‘problem’ with a good friend yesterday night through dinner, but shied away. I told him earlier that I wanted to talk to him, and when we met and he asked, I (dumbly) said I just wanted to say Happy V-Day. Darn… Will try again tonight… Think I really have to seek help in this. I’m much too inexperienced in this issue…

Anway, spent my day going to church and sleeping and completely wasting my time. And now I’m attempting to upload the edited CB Paul Poster, though I failed terribly. Somehow I just couldn’t download the thing a few minutes after I uploaded it. But anyway, I’ll inform Mr. Wong that I uploaded the file already, and ask him if he could download it over at his place.

Yesterday night I called home, the habit I’ve been doing since I came to Singapore. I knew there was something wrong from the beginning. I smelt something like sweat, but much stronger. Dismissing it, I went on and called home. However, I did notice that there was a pebble-like thingie somewhere on the floor under the dim light. Thinking it was nothing, I went on chatting, only to realise that it was the result of digestion of some stray cat. And the worse thing, I accidentally stepped on it. Damn…

That’s funny…

Last night I dreamt that I was… crying.

I haven’t been crying in real life since end of last year, probably because I kinda grew used to the rough and sucky life that I’ve been going through since then.

And come to think of it, my life only became worse after Promos last year… And since then I just kinda couldn’t get myself back to studying anymore.

So don’t be surprised if I screw up my term exams this time…

What the hell?!?! I just typed out a whole nice blog when suddenly the comp hanged!! Anyway, I shall try re-typing the whole thing all over again, this time backing up as often as possible.

It’s 3.48 am in the morning now (just now was nicer, it was 3.33 am when I typed my 1st blog), which means that it’s 3 hours and 48 minutes after Valentine’s Day. V-Day didn’t go through so easily for me. It seems that I just couldn’t get myself to wish any of my friends a Happy V-Day except to 3 ppl - 2 guys and a girl who wished me the same earlier - not even the girl I mentioned the other time. Maybe it’s because I don’t want any misunderstandings. But what misunderstandings? Isn’t Valentine’s Day all about friendship too? I don’t know… *shrug*

Man, this is not very good. I only talked to her once, and that’s in the lift for a short while, before we proceeded to our own classes, forgetting to wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day!!! I don’t even know if I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to do or not… In one occassion I can be very nice to her, and can talk about a lot of stuff, but on others, there’s always this ‘other me’ that keeps on chanting to myself: “Stay away… Stay away… She doesn’t want you anyway… And looks like she likes that other person, see?” It seems that the latter was the dominant one during the day, especially with the other guy around when I talked to her… Sigh…

But the thing that kills me is that she’s been treating me as any other friend all along, no matter what things I’ve done…

I think that something really, really has to be done on my part. But how?

But anyway, on to the good stuff on the day…

Anyi was really funny today… or rather yesterday, especially during Physics practical. He almost strangled Nguyen because of someone saying the magic word. And he made another quote of the day, which I shall not post here for privacy. Hey, I was discussing with Zie, maybe we can make a quotes of the day by ZAY or something…
Anyway, after that he quarelled with Terence - again - and this time he sprayed water towards T, wetting T’s and my Physics worksheet. Luckily he ‘offered’ to run downstairs and photostated one extra copy for us each, after which he refused to take T’s 10 cents. The funny thing is that he kept on apologising to me, although while saying that he also kept on saying that he refused to apologise to T. Poor T.

Buy anyway, it’s not entirely Anyi’s fault lah… T was a little bit too much by spraying Anyi first, though he did it with very little water. But again, it’s not entirely T’s fault either. Anyi just couldn’t shut up. Anyway, in the night he called me, keeping insisting for me to forgive him, while at the same time refusing to apologise to T. Aiyah, waste my free talktime only… 40 mins of worthless talk…

Went to watch Catch Me If You Can with Zie and Wei in the night. It’s quite a good show lah, in the sense that it’s very interesting to see Frank (Leonardo di Caprio) went on to become whatever he said he was. Very interesting. So, try and catch Watch Me If…. I mean… try and catch Catch Me If Yo… erh… try and watch Catch Me If You Can… if you can. You get the idea.

After that we decided to be insane and took taxi from Jurong Point to Clementi MRT (it was past midnight), and then walked all the way back to the boarding school. Not too bad… We arrived at something like 1.30 am. After which I passed my time by showering and doing nothing, until this temptation to write my blog came… Whoa, this one is a long one… Now’s already 4.14 am.. almost half-an-hour of typing…

GAH! Just realised that my Photoshop 7 CD is with someone else!! And I’ll need Photoshop to do minor changes to the CB Paul Poster, which I have to submit by Monday!!! GAH!!! I better get someone to borrow the CD from soon…

Anyway, better catch some sleep now…

Hendri signing off…

And hoping that tomorrow would be a better day…

For me and for everyone else…

Blod typed offline at: 4:16 AM 15/02/2003

GAH! I want to kill myself! It’s V-Day today and I couldn’t even get myself to say hi to the girl I like! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! So what if she doesn’t like me, that doesn’t mean I can’t say a simple hi or good morning, right? And afterall, it isn’t really love if they don’t love you back (ref. my next entry).

Sigh… My fate to be born as a shy guy.

Anyway, now’s computing lesson. Hope things will change sometime today…

In anticipation of the coming V-Day, I’ll recommend these sites to you: http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/8016/opmanb5.htm and http://www.askwendi.com/article.cfm?ArticleID=13

A few quotes from the sites (main points are pointed out in bold in case you’re too lazy to read the whole thing):

Really!
It isn’t really love if they don’t love you back.
Unrequited love makes great plots for romances.
A pity it doesn’t really exist.
You can’t love someone else if they don’t love you back.
Love must be mutual or it doesn’t count.
If you think you love someone else but they don’t love you…
You are dealing with infatuation, not love.
If you must have someone as your spouse, whatever the cost…
You are dealing with greed, not love.
If you love your grown children so much you’ll do anything for them…
You are dealing with emptiness, not love.
Love only exists between two equal individuals,
Voluntarily acting out of respect for each other.

The above taken from: http://www.askwendi.com/article.cfm?ArticleID=13